So I’m sitting at my desk, high up (22-steps-to-a-new-you up) in the Ivory Tower of Clarkston last Monday ? just sitting, minding my own bees wax and plotting my evil plans of inciting a residential uprising (and if you ask city council, trying to tear down Clarkston is all I wanna do with my life) when our front office manager Jodi opens my office door and hands me a brown paper envelope.
I accepted the envelope, thanked her, and then, like the arrogant newspaper tyrant I am, before she could say anything, shushed her away, mindlessly looking at the package before me, in my hands. I hefted it up in the air a few times, ‘Hmmm? Pretty heavy,? I mused to myself.
I shook it. Tight wrap job, no rattling.
I couldn’t really read the return address, but as the highly skilled and deductive reporter-type I used to be, quickly deduced the country of origin was Germany . . . or as the black-inked cursive writing showed, Deutschland. Don ‘Curious George? Rush wanted to know what contents had crossed the Atlantic, to downtown Clarkston, Michigan, US of A. Without much thought to neatness, the envelope was ripped open.
Gulp. . . there on 50 pound, white stock (20 pound paper is what we used to type on years ago, 50 pound is almost like cardboard) was a 120-page manifesto . . . all typed in the Deutch, I mean German. Oh, and it was all single-spaced, words on both sides of the page AND from stem to stern, beginning to end it was all one, big, gob of letters making up one, single paragraph.
Sehr geehrte Damen und Herren, (the cover letter greeted), anbei sende ich Ihnen ein paar Unterlagen und Fakten uber di Scientology Kirche und andere Organisationen, die Ihnen eventuell vorenthalten sind werden und von Interessse sein konnten.
Mit freundlichem GruB, scribbled name.
A tinny, speakered voice from decades ago sounded in between my ears, ‘Huston, we have a problem.?
I picked out the word Scientology and logically ‘kirche? must mean church, I deduced. My German is limited to three words I learned in college to impress a blond co-ed, ‘Ich liebe dich.? (I love you.) Other than that, all those letters forming all those German words all looked Greek to me. Which is to say, I don’t read, hear, understand nor speak either of those ‘G? languages.
Then a thought (one of the only thoughts that day which didn’t include destroying the City of the Village of Clarkston) ran through the hills of my mind like Julie Andrews bounding across the Bavarian Alps. ‘Don, there’s this cool little tool modern folks use daily to find out stuff. It’s called the INTER-NET.? So, I googled the above salutation and found the rough translation:
Dear Sirs, ( the cover letter greeted ) I am sending you a few documents and facts about Scientology Church di and other organizations to withhold may be and could be of showing interest .
Yours GruB, scribbled name.
Ah, it is about Scientolgoy! Probably about how corrupt the church is, I presumed. I then noticed the date on the upper right corner, 30.9.2007. September 30, 2007? Hmm? So I googled the name typed on the upper left side of the cover letter, Karsten Sasse (which, by the way in no way looks like the scribbled name). And, here is what I found.
Since 2007, Karsten Sasse (I am sure not related to any of the Sasse’s who grew up in Clarkston during the 1970s) has sent various newspapers across this country, complaining about Germany’s then treatment of the Church of Scientology and that The Clarkston News was just the next on the list to receive the Deutchy diabtribe.
Here’s the list I found, in no order other than when I discovered them . . . Kinston Free Press (North Carolina), the Cadz (Kentucky) Reord, The Daily Journal in Park Hill, Missouri, The Observer-Reporter from southwestern Pennsylvainia, The Titusville (PA) Herald, The Jamestown Sun in North Dakota, The LaGrange (Indiana) Stanard & News, The Sun Chronicle in Atteboro, Massachusetts and now The Clarkston (MI) News, all have been touched by Herr Sasse beliefs. And, I bet, all those newspaper types in charge of reading mail couldn’t read his manuscript any better than I.
Oh, well. He is spending a lot of money on his mailing. I am sure the post office is happy.
I did not bother to translate the words between the cover letter and final sentence . . . which, sorta translates to : ?. . . The only impulses of man, which is difficult or impossible to destroy, his impulse for freedom and truth. Scientology is a game where everybody wins. So we are helping to win the world.?
Er-ah-okay? I think I ought to stick with my anarchist Clarkston plots. Maybe I will send Herr Sasse, my manifesto all in English, single-spaced and in one hard to read paragraph. In all fairness, though I should at least thank him for making my job easier this week and providing awesome column fodder!