I’ve had a camera in my colon! Have you?

The editor said I could write about this topic
if I kept it light and educational.
Okay. The topic is colonoscopy.
It shouldn’t be boring, but it is, in a way.
While waiting in the hospital to be prepped (get naked) for the grand search, they put you in the endoscopy room. Get it? ENDoscopy waiting room.
Hospitals and doctors have to have their little jokes.
After I was told, twice, that everyone over 50 should have this procedure (isn’t that a comforting word) every ten years, unless a polyp (another nice word that is interpreted as cancer) is discovered, then it’s every five years. I called Dr. Benedicto Cortez.
His instructions: Get this prescription filled, follow directions and go to Crittenton Hospital outpatient entrance June 3.
The directions say: Fill this gallon jug, cathartic included, with water the morning before the ‘procedure,? start drinking it at 6:00, an 8-oz. glass every 15 minutes until it is all gone. Eat nothing all day. Drink clear drinks, no dairy stuff.
Before you finish your third glass of this elixir you will not have time to eat, nor will you have any thought of refilling your tummy.
When I go through this ‘procedure? again I will have cable installed in the bathroom and watch tv until, as they say, the ‘stool is clear.?
As it was for this naive neophyte, there were accidents. There was seepage that at times raised the possibility of calling the Army Engineer Corps. to stem the flow.
I soiled (that too is a nice word for what actually happened) one pair of pajama bottoms and three shorts and I wasn’t halfway through what turned out to be a prolonged liquid letting experience.
Five hours after the first eight ounces my bed had to be changed. Actually, it just should have been changed. Since I sleep in a king-size bed I just moved to the dry side. That’s pure male thinking.
When I learned my schedule, I was with a dozen guys settling up after a golf game. Naturally, I almost boasted about my coming intrusion. All of them had had the exploration. All said the day before is worst of the experiences.
And so it was.
My prep-lady, Diane, said the worst was over. The intrusionary doctor said the worst was over, then, I think, gleefully, he ordered the shot to put me in never-never land.
The explaining folder says a ‘colonoscopy is usually well tolerated and rarely causes much pain. There is often a feeling of pressure, bloating or cramping. You will be lying on your side while the colonoscope is advanced slowly through the large intestine. The procedure usually takes 15 to 60 minutes. If they find polyps they will be removed.?
Later, in recovery, where you are encouraged to ‘release? the gas (like it’s a prisoner) the now-good Dr. Cortez showed me four full-color pictures of the inside of my colon. I ordered a dozen 8 x 10s.
He said, ‘This spot right here is a polyp, which I removed.? He called it a polyp, I call it a faulty negative.
The last instruction I remember had to do with bleeding. If I experienced a loss of as much as a tablespoon of blood I should call the doctor.
I really can’t figure out how one would know if they discharged a tablespoon of blood. In the first place I think after-stool-lookers have to be weird, and in the second place only a contortionist could hold a spoon in that position.