But first – Do you realize that in about 40 years we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
And – If you let a smile be your umbrella most likely you’ll get your butt soaking wet.
And – This tip from Home & Garden Television via The Detroit News Homestyle section is the most ridiculous cleaning suggestion I’ve ever heard.
‘To clean up patio furniture for storage spray it with shaving cream. Let the foam set for a few minutes, then scrub with an old toothbrush.?
Let’s stop right here and digest this offering. Only a nut case would think of wasting shaving cream, it’s expensive you know, on outdoor furniture. And, ‘Scrub with old toothbrush??
Our patio furniture is wicker. There are not enough years left in my life to clean our six pieces of patio furniture with a toothbrush, old or new.
It goes on: ‘When rinsing put the piece into a small plastic pool to contain water runoff and avoid soggy patio or yard.?
I can see why The News did not print a person’s byline on this article. This had to be made up as an April Fool joke that didn’t make it into print until just before Halloween.
Now on to something equally ridiculous, dieting suggestions. I weigh myself about three times a week. When my weight sneaks up a couple pounds I re-floss, clean my toenail and fingernails and toss aside my pj bottoms. I do not get back onto the scales for several days, knowing that my process achieved my weight reduction goal.
Right from The Porcupine Press comes Angelo’s Pizza Anti Stress diet:
BREAKFAST: 1/2 grapefruit, one slice whole wheat toasted bread, 8 oz. skim milk.
LUNCH: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, one cup steamed spinach, one cup herb tea and one Oreo cookie.
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: Rest of Oreos in the pkg, two pints of Rocky Road Ice Cream, Jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whip cream.
DINNER: 2 loaves bread with pound of cheese one, large Angelo’s sausage, mushroom & cheese Pizza , 2 cans or one large pitcher of beer, three Milky Way candy bars.
LATE EVENING: Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from the package.
And this prayer diet:
An overweight business associate decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic doughnut. His staff members scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
‘This is a very special doughnut,? he explained. ‘I accidently drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of pastries. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious doughnuts, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.?
‘And, sure enough,? he continued, ‘the eighth time around the block, there it was!?
? The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
? Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
? Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two – alone.
? One way to diet is to eat anything you want in front of naked fat people.
? The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re over it.
? When you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.