I was invited to party a few weeks before Christmas where everyone was to bring a gift. The gift couldn’t cost more than $15 and it had to be bisexual.
The Inviter apparently heard the bewilderment in my voice, because she said, ‘Something like maybe a disc.?
I considered the possibilities, but the disc offering kept coming up. And, I figured if she gave that suggestion to me she gave it to all other guests, and I sure didn’t want to let them think I had no imagination.
I’m also not prone to give practical things. This was a party for over-60-year-olds (I’m being kind ’cause some are way over 60). Discs are gadgets to them, and they have at (least one of everything else except incontinence control.
What to give, what to give, what to give? Something laughable and perhaps useful. Ah, I have it! Put some Viagra pills in it for men and whatever it is women use for that purpose in the package.
Dr. David Jenning’s wife has been known to be a co-conniver, so I called her. ‘Katherine, what do you think of my idea??
‘Jim. I think the idea could be hilarious, but do you know that some men can’t take Viagra? It can be very risky for people whose heart might be affected by enlarging blood vessels, which Viagra does,? she said
That took the smile halfway off my face, but not totally. I reasoned, humorously to myself, maybe they wouldn’t mind as long as they had a smile on their face?
Later that day Dr. Dave called me. He gave absolutely no thought to being a party to my party gift idea. He put more warning labels in my ear than there are rooms in one of Saddam’s castles.
He left me with the thought that if I gave this proscription pill, which he wouldn’t prescribe for me, I was risking loss of home, lifetime in prison or the death penalty when Michigan gets it, child rejection and permanent halitosis.
Not quite giving up yet, I asked, ‘What about the woman pill??
‘That’s Viagra, too,? he said, and went into the warpath warnings all over again.
That did it. I had no other over-60-plus, bisexual gift ideas. I called youthful daughter Luan. A couple days later she brought a little radio thing with earplugs walkers and joggers use.
Ok, I’ll wrap it and never tell the receiver it came from me. Well, that’s not that house party’s rules. The giver must be known.
Practically all the other gifts were food related. There were restaurant gift certificates, snacks, nuts, dips and non-dips.
As it turned out, and maybe some credit should be given the beverages, my gift was fine. A gift received did not necessarily stay with the giver. People switched.
Mine ended up being in a walker’s hands and she was delighted.
Next day I called Luan and started questioning her on why she thought a noise receiver would be a good gift for the senior crowd.
‘Oh, Dad,? Luan started. ‘I thought I was buying a gift for Toys For Tots, ’cause every year you go to a Toys For Tots party.?
Well, next year, if I’m invited, I’m going to take a pretty package of roadkill.