Brandon Twp.- When David Ollie Ray called to inquire about registering his sons at Belle Ann Elementary, he was told they would definitely be the minority.
He thought she was talking about his children, who are black.
She was actually talking about him and his partner, Willie Ray, who are gay.
‘We had two minority issues,? says Ollie Ray, smiling. ‘It’s been good though, no problems.?
David Ollie Ray, 41, and Willie Ray, 31, say they both always knew they wanted a family. But their path to becoming a family was not an easy one and required becoming comfortable with who they are.
Both men come from conservative families with parents who had a difficult time coming to terms with their sons? homosexuality.
‘I think I always knew I was gay,? says David. ‘I knew there was something different, I just wasn’t sure what. But you avoid it and hide it. I took gym the last period (in high school) so I wouldn’t have to take a shower. It’s so ingrained (to be heterosexual), that’s why I got married.?
David Ollie Ray was married for six years before divorcing his wife and coming out as gay. He says it was a difficult revelation for his mother, who is religious, and it took her about two years to accept it.
Willie Ray also had a difficult time. He knew from a young age he was gay, but he also kept it a secret and was even engaged for a time.
‘My dad took it really hard,? Willie says. ‘I’m his only son, but it didn’t take long for him to come around.?
Willie wasn’t out of the closet yet the night he met David at a bar in September 2001. They began talking everyday and for their first date met at Mexicantown in Detroit for dinner.
‘We just knew right away,? says David, who moved in with Willie two weeks later and nine months later they went to Vermont, where they were recognized officially as a couple in a civil union ceremony on June 20, 2002.
‘We wanted the same things,? David says. ‘A house, a family. We didn’t want the stereotypical life of being out in the bars.?
To achieve their dream of becoming fathers, the couple began researching the possibility of getting a surrogate mother. They found it costly and were concerned about the mother possibly backing out of the deal. Instead, they turned to foster parenting.
‘We knew it was possible to be gay foster parents,? says David.
Karen Stock, director of communications for the Michigan Department of Human Services in Lansing confirms this.
‘The policy is silent on sexual orientation,? she says. ‘A couple who is living together can be foster parents. We look at education, employment, financial status, physical and mental health, background checks/criminal history, parenting skills, and attitudes toward children. We’re looking for a safe place with people who can care for them and give them love. The most important thing is for these children to be placed in loving, safe and stable homes.?
Willie and David ultimately wanted to adopt, but began the training to be foster parents (the process is the same for adoption). They filled out forms for the ages, races, gender and health status of children they would be willing to take in through a Waterford foster care agency that is licensed by the state, the same agency David’s sister has foster children through.
‘They were so excited to have more foster parents, particularly men,? says David. ‘We were their only gay male couple.?
David and Willie went to classes covering policies and procedures and learned about the children available and things they may have been through.
The excited couple originally wanted a baby, newborn to age 3. They decorated a room in Winnie-the-Pooh and only two weeks after they finished their training they got a baby girl, Nicole, right out of the hospital after she was born to a 14-year-old girl with problems.
Willie, who owns ASP Security in Livonia, but works mostly from home, was the one getting up with her during the night at first. David, who works at Oakland University as an office assistant in admissions and orientation, soon began taking overnight duty as he says he ‘hears everything.?
‘It was wonderful, until we had to give her up,? says David.
Because the goal of foster care is to reunite children with their biological family, Willie and David knew this could happen. It happened several more times, too, with a succession of foster children, almost all of whom were placed with family members, but only one of whom was given back to the mother.
‘We have pictures of all of them,? Willie says. ‘We’ve had 18 foster children in three years.?
Although they wanted babies at first, David and Willie began taking older children, too. In June 2004, after going two weeks without any children- their longest span since they began fostering- the foster agency sent them John, now 9, who wasn’t working out at another foster home, and his younger brother, Peter, now 7.
‘They fight, but we’re working on it,? says David.
The partners are licensed for three children and wanted to keep a space open for a baby, but only two weeks after taking in the brothers, the agency asked them to take in 2-year-old Christopher, who has cerebral palsy. A stay that was originally only supposed to be overnight turned into two days, then two weeks and now, forever.
David and Willie adopted Christopher, whose last name is now Ollie Ray, on June 23, 2005. They were originally unsure about adopting him because of the lifelong commitment to his special needs. But when Christopher’s profile was placed in the Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange book, they changed their minds.
‘There are thousands of kids in that book,? David says, patting Christopher’s back now as the 4-year-old sits in a high chair. ‘We didn’t want him to go to a family who wants him just for money.?
‘We can’t imagine being without him now,? Willie adds.
Besides adopting Christopher last June, the Ollie Ray family also moved to Brandon, where they could have space and live in the country.
Christopher rides a bus from their home to Waterford, as the Brandon Schools don’t have a program here for him to attend. Willie says their son has improved ‘so much? in the time they’ve had him, although he suffered some setbacks after a bout with the flu that landed him in the hospital for a week.
‘He uses both hands now and can say da-da and ba-ba,? Willie says. ‘He was trying to feed himself before he got the flu.?
David picks up Christopher and snuggles him against his chest. On the sofa in their comfortable ranch home, Peter sits next to Willie.
Willie and David are in the process of adopting Peter and John (not their real names, in order to guard their privacy as current wards of the state), although, as with Christopher, only one (David in their case) will be recognized as the legal parent by the state, with his name as father on the birth certificate.
Both boys have had behavioral problems and it took awhile for Willie and David to get help from the proper agencies, but they say therapy is now starting to work. Peter and John are now more secure in their home, too. Willie notes they used to hoard food when they first came to live with him and David, because where they used to live, they had no idea where or when their next meal was coming. They used to want to eat only Ramen noodles. Now, they don’t stash food and have experienced a greater and healthier variety of food.
The boys call both Willie and David ‘Dad.?
‘They’ll ask me, ‘Can I do this?? and I’ll say, ‘Ask your other dad?,? laughs David.
Willie says the boys have adjusted fairly easily to having two fathers and that it helps that TV has become more open, showing families with two fathers or two mothers.
David recalls, however, that when the boys saw a male couple kiss once, their reaction was, ‘oh, gross.?
‘I said, ‘What about when we kiss??? David says. ‘They said, ‘Oh, that’s just you.??
David and Willie always thought that their being a same-sex couple would be issue enough for any children they adopted or fostered. They faced another possible challenge when they decided to take in their black sons, but have found it really hasn’t been an issue.
They say they have been fortunate to be around people who are very accepting of them as gay parents, with a few possible exceptions, including a contractor whom they called to give an estimate for work on their basement, but who suddenly left, saying he had a very heavy workload, when he learned they were gay. They also recall being pulled over by the police in North Carolina shortly after they left a gas station/convenience store.
‘The store owner said the kids stole ice cream, which they didn’t,? Willie says. ‘The owner thought something was up because we were two white guys with black kids? I’m sure there are people who talk under their breath. In stores we get stares. At first, it bothered me, but now I think it’s funny? Most people when you tell them think that’s cool, but what they say behind our backs, who knows.?
David nods and adds, ‘I think some people think gay men raising boys equals child molesters, but the highest number of child molesters are straight men,? he said. ‘We have as much to give emotionally and financially as a straight couple, gay couple or single parent.?
Their activities are much like any other family- they play board games, card games, and watch movies. They have a boat and camper for summer fun. The boys love to swim, they play basketball and take karate. Peter takes guitar lessons. Some differences include their regular trips to various doctors, including psychiatrists and therapists.
Willie and David are sometimes asked who plays the ‘woman role? in their family. David says the kids frequently see their grandma, aunt and girl cousins and both he and Willie do laundry, dishes and cook and having a woman in the home hasn’t posed a problem.
‘If we have girls, it might be different,? Willie says. ‘But the girls we’ve had, we’ve gotten compliments on their hair and dresses. It (not having a woman in the home) won’t prevent us from getting a girl.?
Willie points out their sons came from homes that only had mothers, no fathers.
‘We told them they could be adopted by a family with a mom and dad, but they chose us,? he says.
Fatherhood has been rewarding.
‘It’s the biggest thrill when you come home and they say, ‘Dad!?? says David, who notes they also get upset when he leaves.
But along with the joys are the challenges.
‘I didn’t think it would be this hard,? says Willie.
Still, other than the obvious difference of being gay, they are just like any other parents, Willie says, raising their children the same way their parents raised them.
‘I yell the same way my mom did,? David adds, laughing.
They admit parenting foster children does seem harder because the children come with prior ‘baggage,? but they have dreams for their sons, including ending the cycle of abuse and neglect that they came from, going to college and graduating.
Willie hopes to raise them to be open-minded and David agrees.
‘We want them to be honest with who they are and what they want,? he says.
David and Willie hope to adopt two or three more children and say they need girls now to complete their family.
They are looking forward to completing the adoptions of John and Peter and finishing the renovations on their home so they can fill it with more kids. They encourage others to become foster parents.
‘It just takes love to be a parent,? says Willie. ‘You learn as you go. There’s no manual, no matter what sexual orientation you are. We are a family, no matter how different.?