It’s been several weeks since I was exposed to an evening of insulting, bragging and attempted humiliation with an Alaskan.
The Alaskan I refer to is Mike Barton — Alaskan by relocation. Two decades ago, he was bored (or was he boring?) with his desk job in Washington, D.C. when Providence stepped in and he was asked (ordered?) to take a job in Douglas, Alaska.
Rumor has it, there was an instant uprising in his (office) cell by fellow inmates. He grabbed his toothbrush, Seagrams and wife, in that order, and left. He and wife Sharon always hoped to migrate someday, south. They hoped for grandchildren in the lower U.S. That was 20 years ago, and since a daughter married a man who loves Alaska, his future is firm in nearby Juneau. Their migration plans are on ice.
Which, of course, is good news for the lower 48. We don’t need his kind down here as we already have enough exaggerating, insulting, unkempt, overweight characters.
However, I have to admit the too-long evening with Mike did shed needed light on our state, in comparison to Alaska with what must be millions of miles of shoreline (considering the numerous islands), vast isolation and the need for more dogsleds.
The size of Alaska is amazing. Measuring Alaska from end to end, it’s wider than the continental 48. It dwarfs Texas. Its capitol, Juneau, is on an island with less than 100 miles of roads. At one time, Douglas was bigger than Juneau, and the site of the big gold rush. Now Juneau is bigger, with a population of 29,000? 29,001 if you count Mike.
With all those square miles, Alaska has about 650,000 folks, in about 200 towns. Some towns have as little as a dozen inhabitants. My atlas doesn’t print names of towns under 380; it says Anchorage is biggest with 230,000, Fairbanks has 33,000, Juneau 29,000, Sitka 8,500 and Kodiak is fifth with 6,500.
Little ol? Michigan has nearly 800 cities.
Mike has a master’s degree in watershed management-slash-pontification. His Mrs., Sharon, has a bachelor’s degree and is retired, but is a chef teaching future chefs. Mike is with the Rise Group, based in Chicago. Rise is working in Anchorage on their museum. The company is also in London, building the world’s tallest building, and consulting on a new gas line from the north slope, south to Mike’s house. He needs more gas.
Sharon says Mike is a consultant for a consulting firm. But she doesn’t consult Mike.
Alaska has 6,500 miles of roads. Wayne County has more. Heck, Detroit may have more.
The big news in Juneau these days is their source of power. Recently, an avalanche took out about a mile of power lines. Now diesel-powered generators are their energy source and it costs about 50 cents a kilowatt hour. Repairs on the power lines aren’t expected to be complete until July.
One of the many ways to get Mike’s ire is to mention how politicians in our lower 48 are hammering Alaskan representatives about the proposed ‘bridge to nowhere.?
Mike fumes, ‘Hell, it isn’t a bridge to nowhere. It’s a bridge to carry people from Ketchikan, which is on an island, to its airport, which is on another island.?
Today, travelers have to take a ferry. If for some reason your flight is cancelled, he explained, you have to take the ferry back to Ketchikan for a hotel.
I don’t get Mike’s complaint. After all, don’t Alaskans take pride in their rugged individualism? Isn’t Alaska populated with tough guys? (And braggers, along with plenty on the public dole, numerous seekers of more government handouts and people like Mike — who went there on a lark and lost all opportunity of returning to their native homeland.)
He’s invited me up. Do you think I’m going?
Hmmm . . . Let’s see . . .my plane may have to land in Ketchikan, power is too expensive for columnists and a polar bear may bite me.