Maybe three-day weekends are not a good thing. Maybe during so much time off a person’s mind can wander where it shouldn’t. Here are some of the things I thought about during the Labor Day weekend. (And I didn’t think about war in Iraq, Michigan unemployment, nor home foreclosures and high gas prices — but, maybe I should have!)
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Okay, I know I am probably taking this too far — being a drama queen about something I have no control over. That said, I am freaking out over the new micro-wave popcorn commercials with the ‘undead,? putty-flesh faced Orville Redenbacher selling on my television screen. It’s unnerving. It’s surreal. It just ain’t right to see somebody (or something) saying they are the popcorn king, when we all know Orville died alone in his bathroom (Hmmm? Eerriely similar to the king of rock n roll’s demise.) 12 Septembers ago. Unlike Elvis, Orville’s heart gave out while he was in a whirlpool tub.
Some have claimed that I am morbidly obsessed with celebrity death; that I take some perverse glee at making death proclamations. Whilst, I do not share that belief, I do remember the real Orville died and I also recall the popcorn company stopped airing his commercials — as well as it should have.
So it was with terror that I first watched the resurrected Orville wearing the familiar red-bow tie and suspenders. I am not sure if it is an actor made up to look like Orville or a computer-generated animation gone awry. It just looks weird. Hey, you never know — maybe sales were slacking at Popcorn HQ and in desperation, some executive made a deal with the devil or read a black-magic spell. Maybe that was some spectral-version of Orville I saw. Regardless, here’s my advice: Don’t watch the commercials while you are alone in your home at night. I’ll say it again, they ain’t right. It’s dreadful and gives me the heebeejeebees.
These commercials first aired at the year’s start and then faded away. I was happy to see them disappear. Maybe they were just some sort of bad dream.
Life was good, I had erased the bad-karma images from my mind’s consciousness. Uunfortunately, twilight-time in TV land returned a couple of weeks ago but there was no dour-voiced, chain-smoking Rod Serling to guide me through my small-screen Hades.
I’d like to say it ain’t so, but deadman is again walking among us, hawking gourmet popping corn and I am afraid to go into my kitchen during the midnight hour for fear of who or what might be lurking near the micro-wave.
What’s next? Who else will the TVland folks bring back from the dead? Like Lazarus, will Col. Sanders rise from the grave to slaughter chickens that we might buy more from KFC? To sell more Chryslers, will Lee Iacocca’s body be . . . wait, he’s still alive and only looks dead.
Is nothing sacred? I don’t know. I do know I am not buying popcorn from a guy who’s been dead since 1995.
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Regular readers know I have chronicled the rise of the simian race. The road to aptdom is approaching faster than even I anticipated. I was hoping to be dead and buried before monkeys took over the world, but . . . read what the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) reported on August 24, 2007:
? . . .They estimate there are close to 300 monkeys invading the farms at dawn. They eat the village’s maize, potatoes, beans and other crops. And because women are primarily responsible for the farms, they have borne the brunt of the problem, as they try to guard their crops.
‘They say the monkeys are more afraid of young men than women and children, and the bolder ones throw stones and chase the women from their farms.
‘Nachu’s women have tried wearing their husbands? clothes in an attempt to trick the monkeys into thinking they are men — but this has failed, they say.
?’But the monkeys can tell the difference and they don’t run away from us and point at our breasts. They just ignore us and continue to steal the crops.?
In addition to stealing their crops, the monkeys also make sexually explicit gestures at the women, they claim.
?’The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us,? said Mrs. Njeri . . .?
First monkeys were reported to steal apples and food, then drive off on tractors and nab eye glasses now they are harassing our women.
What is next?
Comments for the wandering mind of Don Rush can be e-mailed to: dontrushmedon@charter.net