Thank goodness for my dear wife Jen. Without her, what would I have to write? And, before I get into any trouble — let me say, she is always sending me e-mails labeled, “Column Fodder,” or “Here’s something to write about.”
This week, I again go back to her to entertain you. She sent me an e-mail with the column fodder code and contained within it was this little diddy about headlines from 2035. So, again I didn’t write “my” award winning column. I must confess, she cares more about you readers than I do. And, well, I really never write anything.
And . . . Truth be known, I am not an actual person. The picture with this column was computer generated from all the people who contribute to fill this space. The Don Rush you think you know never really existed.
Neverthe-less, here’s the rest of the column I didn’t write (the e-mail about newspaper headlines in the year 2035.)
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* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
* White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California’s third language.
* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
* Baby conceived naturally…. Scientists stumped.
* Authentic year 2000 “Chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million.
* Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)
* Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but U.S. President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only. (The Clarkston News delivery to improve.)
* 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
* Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
* Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
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Making a point by being absurd.
Some folks laugh, but put on your thinking caps. Think back . . . what has happened in the last 30 years, and who’s to say some of these things won’t happen in the next?
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Comments, suggestions, complaints, slanders (etc) to the entity who schleps together words for this newspaper space can be e-mailed to: dontrushmedon@aol.com