Manure spreaders were not invented as a joke
I was born on a farm in Laingsburg, Michigan. Though Dad wasn’t a farmer, he played at it. Other farms we lived on in Shiawassee County were near Bancroft, Durand and Vernon.
We had chickens and hogs, not cows, hay, grain or the machinery to plant, care for and harvest them. So, we had no manure spreader experiences, though the fragrance from their use spread over the acreages.
Manure spreaders are mainly used in cold weather, when farmers aren’t fielded and emissions are semi-frozen. Too, they all seem more comfortable outdoors getting their skin weather-beaten and avoiding calls to rearrange the furniture.
But, manure spreaders always had a fascination to me. The closest I ever came to having one was when a man offered me a circus wagon. Its hard, ill fitting tires, its rusting frame and decaying deck stick out from the woods in our back yard.
In recent years, when I travel through Saginaw, Gratiot, Shiawassee Counties and the Thumb I’ll go-rural, looking for what I think will be a reasonably priced manure spreader sitting out with a for sale sign on it.
I imagine what I’ll do with it. Maybe paint the sides bright yellow like some of the new pick-up trucks, then add racing stripes, and maybe get Castrol to sponsor it. I could be the A. J. Foyt of West Drahner Road, only the racing would be imagined.
Another idea I had was to take it to my son’s house some mid-morning, when he’d be sleeping, let him wonder. Of course, putting a manure spreader in the yard of a newspaper publisher hardly stimulates anyone’s imagination.
Continuing my mental quest for a manure spreader naturally led to advertising for one. The classified (under what?) could read: ‘Wanted: used, but not too used, manure spreader, free or darn near free. Suitable for lawn adornment and future headstone.?
I guess I’d have to buy one of those box number ads so people wouldn’t call me all times of the night offering their husbands and wives.
I tossed the ad idea around one newspaper office and the editor quipped: ‘If you’re looking for manure spreaders I could suggest some elected officials.?
That’s exactly why no phone listing could be allowed. Imagine: ‘If you’re looking for just one manure spreader you might contact Rush Limbaugh.? Ha, ha.
Caller: ‘The obvious place to look for a manure spreader is rural areas, but the place where they are most likely to be found, cheapest, is in Lansing and Washington.? Heh, heh.
One could also expect Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, Martha and every talk show host in America. And, that’s before the students start offering names of teachers, coaches and administrators.
Even with box ads I couldn’t feel hidden. Word would leak. So, rural routes spreader searching may still be the best.
Continuing thoughts, maybe I should buy a whole bunch of used manure spreaders and become a dealer. Dad would be proud. With the right slogan I could become rich. Like, take Frank Sinatra’s hit song, New York, New York . . . ‘Start spreading the hues.?
We could air it across the land. What a great Christmas or birthday gift. It could be personalized with baby boots or fuzzy dice hanging from the shifting rod, a license plate his or hers on it, mag-pipes or even a Hemi.
It could be great for crematoriums. Slogan: ‘Spread his ash the old fashioned way.?
The market is limitless.