This column originally ran Jan. 2003
It’s the dawn of a new day in Casa de Rush.
We’re shaking things up and gonna get rid of those midwinter blues. Yep, happy days are here again! We’ve come to the conclusion the Rush name is boring.
Come on, take a moment and think about it:
Don Rush.
That’s only seven letters and only two syllables. And now that I think about it, it’s no wonder I couldn’t get a date in high school. Don Rush just doesn’t pack a punch. All that big late 1970s and early 1980s hair topping those Clarkston High School girls? heads, and I had no dates. It must have been that the name Don Rush had no pizzazz. No Zip.
Well , we’re changing that.
We’re changing our names. I take that back, we have changed our names. Thanks to a handy guide e-mailed to my dear wife, Jen. Apparently, some dude named Dav Pilkey wrote a children’s book called Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants.
In the book the evil Professor Poopypants forces everyone to assume new names, based on some sort of a diabolical name chart. The name chart uses certain letters from your real name to substitute your new name.
And, I think the names we, Don, Jen, Shamus and Sean Rush have been assigned actually tells a lot about our clan — which is now Clan Chickenshorts. Chickenshorts is a very noble and proud name. As a matter of fact, Chickenshorts have sat in the White House as President of the United States, not just once, but twice. Clan Bush is Clan Chickenshorts, too.
I’m thinking about loading up the family into the old jalopy and giving cousin George (Goober), Jr., a visit from his po? relations from the north. We Chickenshorts are kindly bunch, so I don’t think he’ll mind much.
To determine our new first names, we had to use the third letter of our given names. So, with the name Don (and Jen), the third letter is ‘N.? The handy Poopypants Chart says those who have ‘N? as the third letter of their first name will now be called Zippy. So, Jen and I are now Zippy and Zippy Chickenshorts.
Shamus and Sean, based on the third letter plan, are both Poopsie. I predict things are going to get a little confusing around Chez Chickenshorts.
I had some fun with this chart at work. For example, Sherman Publications. Inc.’s Jim Sherman has a new name. He is now: Pinky Wafflebuns.
And, since I’m picking on the company owners:
. . . Luan Offer is now: Poopsie Barftush.
. . . Susan Speed is now: Snotty Hamstertush.
Ah, what a wonderful world we live in.
n Farah Fawcett is now: Loopy Appleface (Loopy, ain’t that the truth?)
n Ronald Reagan is now: Zippy Girdlepants.
n Bill Clinton and Hill Clinton are now: Boobie and Boobie Liverchunks.
n Iraq’s President, Saddam Hussein: is Gidget Chickenfanny.
n Osahma bin Laden is: Poopsie bin Applecootie .
n Political columnist Helen Thomas is: Boobie Waffletushie.
n And, political commentator Rush Limbaugh is: Snotty Cootiemouth (some would say this is true.)
* * *
I don’t know about you, but I think Captain Underpants writer Dav Pilkey has come up with something here.
Since the chart is too long to write here, if you want to find out what your new name is, based on the evil Professor Poopypant’s diabolical plan, go to this website: www.scholastic.com/captainunderpants/namechanger.htm
May your New Year be loving, healthy, prosperous and fun.
E-mail Zippy Chickenshorts at: dontrushmedon@charter.net