Beth Morrison knows of many reasons women stay in abusive relationships’she hears them from the women who reach out to her for help.
Christie (not her real name) stayed with her abuser, Nick, for more than a decade, being degraded, humiliated, shoved and choked.
When she first met him in 1990 at a singles dance, she found him to be utterly charming, handsome, funny and successful.
‘He was always just charismatic, generous, fabulous, but then he would snap and be verbally abusive and threatening,? said Christie, 53, an Oakland County resident.
She first saw the dark side of Nick about a month after they began dating when they were in his office and he asked her to hand him an elastic. She didn’t know he was requesting a rubber band and he suddenly became furious, asking if she was stupid, spewing profanities.
It would be the first of many such times she would witness him go ‘from zero to 10.? It was what she describes now as a big, red flag, but she, like many other women, ignored it. A year later, the then mother of two married him, and she would go on to have five children with him.
He verbally abused her daily and physically assaulted her in what she calls ‘rage events? at least once a month. When she was pregnant with their first child together, he threw her down a flight of stairs. His preferred method of physical abuse was to shove Christie up against a wall with his forearm on her throat, choking her.
‘He didn’t punch, he would grab,? she recalls. ‘The thing against the wall was his big thing, or shoving me.?
Her parents had never behaved toward each other in such a way and Nick’s behavior was very foreign to her. She stayed, believing that it was just ‘a matter of training,? that if they got to know each other better, if she was just better, faster, smarter, that he would get nicer.
Nick never took responsibility for his actions and continually turned it around on her, saying if she hadn’t done this or that, he wouldn’t have reacted the way he did.
‘One of his key phrases was I was lucky to be in this situation, because who else would want to marry a woman with two kids? And if I was better? cooked better, cleaned better, was better? he wouldn’t have to hurt me. I deserved it, because I didn’t do everything to his satisfaction. I believed that? when you’re told that every day, you believe it. If the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world says these things, it does give you a sense of belief. My self-confidence and self-esteem was gone.?
Oakland County Sheriff’s Office Sgt. Greg Glover said most of the domestic violence situations police respond to in the township involve female victims that have children and no means to support themselves financially.
‘They have no idea how to start over,? said Glover. ‘It’s tough when you have kids involved and no place to go? When those kids grow up in that atmosphere, they think that is what is normal. I remember one call we went out on there was a little boy 3- or 4-years-old in the kitchen and he said, ‘Are you taking my Dad to jail?? The kids are the true victims in most of these cases.?
Morrison agrees economics is a big factor in whether a woman (the majority of domestic violence victims are women) chooses to leave an abusive relationship.
‘Being a single parent is difficult, finding safe and affordable housing is difficult, finding affordable childcare and a good paying job is difficult,? she said. ‘Domestic violence often throws individuals into poverty. Economics is one reason they might stay. Just because you’ve ended a relationship doesn’t mean the violence ends, too. The most lethal time is when you leave. It’s complicated. Ending a violent relationship is complicated, dangerous, scary and with all of that and the reality of day-to-day life, for some, they see it as impossible. My simplistic advice is that we encourage survivors to get basic education and information about safety planning and available resources. Often when abuse is really greatly escalated, severity of abuse increases, when they realize impact on children or when children are going to become or have become a victim’that is when they leave.?
Christie had two tipping points that finally pushed her over the edge to end her relationship with Nick. The first came when he pushed her down the stairs in front of one of her older children. She asked her husband of eight years, ‘When our daughter gets married and he beats her up and treats her the way you treat me, what are you going to do about that? You’re teaching her it’s acceptable.?
His response was to say he would ask their daughter what she did to deserve it. Christie knew she didn’t want her child to think being abused by a man was OK. At that point, she wasn’t thinking of what her sons were also learning by watching how Nick treated their mother, only how she had to protect her daughters.
She finally cracked when she told Nick how depressed she was about their marriage and he suggested she kill herself.
‘I felt I would rather be in a homeless shelter than with him and that was my only way out,? said Christie. ‘When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, you leave.?
She filed for divorce the next morning and in a moment of serendipity, Christie saw the number for HAVEN on a restroom door and called.
Christie was out of a job (she had worked with her husband in his business), had seven children with the youngest not even a year-old, but she started rebuilding her self-esteem and her life with help from HAVEN.
‘My kids and I got counseling and I finally understood I was a person of value, not someone who is disposable and can be treated poorly with no thought. I actually feel like I did the right thing, teaching my children what is acceptable and what is not.?
Christie believes one of the biggest mistakes that can be made is staying together for the children, when in fact, ‘abuse really ruins the children.?
She has been happily remarried for 15 years, but several of her children have drug and alcohol abuse issues that they relate to what they saw as children. Christie says her children understand that she got out of the abusive relationship as quickly as she could, but still, the issues remain. They have no relationship with their father, who has never shown any remorse for his behavior.
Morrison notes that just because an individual is raised in a home where domestic violence exists does not mean they are destined to be an abuser or a victim, but they are more susceptible to experiencing domestic violence as adults.
Christie wants women who are suffering from domestic abuse to know that it is never too late to walk away.
‘My motto is, you are as sick as your secrets. If you keep this dark secret, HAVEN is a safe place to get rid of it.?
Morrison said survivors of domestic abuse know what is best for themselves and even if they decide the best thing at a given point in time is to stay, it doesn’t mean resources aren’t available. She encourages a safety plan.
‘What can you do today, this week, this month, to maintain and increase your safety? Can you recognize triggers of abuse and what can you do to reposition yourself at that time? We provide a safe place for women to share their experience and know they aren’t crazy and they are believed and teach them how to build an emotional bank, a financial bank, a support bank so they can position themselves to leave.?
For more information, call 24-HR Crisis & Support at 248-334-1274 or Toll-Free Crisis Line at 877-922-1274 or visit www.haven-oakland.org.