It’s that great, new year when we golf club swingers expect pars and get double bogies. When we realize we learned nothing watching the pros at the Masters, when we still need a lot of luck to get a decent score and again accept that the best part of golf is the 19th hole.
We’ve all read a few books on golf, but I’ll give you 2 shots a side if you’ve read Buddy Hackett’s ‘The Truth About Golf and Other Lies.?
You could have, he wrote it in 1968, but I just got it. Of course the book is written with demeaning the sport in mind. Like his description of his best two wonderful years, ‘In 1957 when I hit a good shot and in 1963 when I did it again.?
Buddy played golf with many of the ‘names? of that era, and they become the basis of his book. He was on the first tee with Milton Berle, Jan Murray and ‘Hal March at Hillcrest Country Club in Beverly Hills.
On the first tee Milton hit a ball straight up and it landed behind him. He hit another one which went into a hedge alongside the tee and was lost. His third shot dribbled off the tee. March bent down, picked up the little yellow wooden peg and said, ‘Here, Milton, don’t forget your lucky tee.?
Hackett also describes proper wear. Pants should be made of parachute cloth so when you jump off a cliff you’ll float to safety. Shirts have to have penguins, ‘which are regulation at Christian clubs.? He wears shirts with alligators and once saw an alligator wearing a shirt with a golfer on it.
‘If you don’t own a shirt with an animal on it — you have to play a public course,? Hackett said.
He writes, ‘Jimmy Durante received the best advice of anyone who ever played the game. As he came to the 18th hole, his partner estimated Jimmy’s score was over 200. After holing out, the Schnoz asked his companion, ‘What should I give the caddy??
Without smiling he said, ‘Your clubs!?
And, ‘I play a lot of golf and I hate it — yes, I hate golf — but I play every day because I’m married. When you’re married you’re not supposed to drink and chase broads, so I play golf.?
One day when Mickey Mantle and Don Cherry were playing, Mantle topped the ball and it went into the creek. He took the club and broke it. Don asked, ‘What was that?? and he said, ‘A 3 iron.?
On the 11th hole Mantle hit a ball at least 200 yards out of bounds. Again he took the club and threw it against a tree, bending it. Don looked at it and it was a 3 iron, and said, ‘I thought you broke that other 3 iron?? Mantle said, ‘I got six of them.? ‘Why six?? Mantle, ‘Because I hate them.?
Tommy Bolt, playing with Doug Sanders, was about 130 yards from the green, going downwind, and he asked his caddy what club should he use. The caddy said, ‘Three iron.? ‘But it’s only 130 yards,? Bolt said. The caddy said, ‘You have to hit either your 2 or 3 iron because that’s all you got left.?
Hackett’s way of calculating the true cost of golf: Just subtract ten years from you life expectancy.
In a pro-am tournament, Dutch Harrisons? partner had a particularly difficult shot. ‘How would you play that?? he asked Dutch. His reply: ‘Under an assumed name.?
Hackett was playing with Bruce Crampton, and he asked the pro how he should hit a particular shot. Crampton said, ‘It’s either a strong 7 or a weak 8.?
Hackett said, ‘Thanks a lot. Ask me how to tell a joke sometime and I’ll tell you to do it with your mouth open or slightly closed.?
Hacklett’s quote on golf: ‘Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.?
And, ‘Treat the property like it’s your own, and if you can, sell it!?