A group of private investors from the People’s Republic of China has successfully negotiated a deal with Sherman Publications, Inc. to purchase the Oxford Leader for an undisclosed amount.
An Oxford government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the sale is a prime example of the bold, new community he and his fellow officials have been working so hard to create over the last few years.
‘We want the whole world to know that in Oxford, everything and everyone has a price and we believe it’s no sin to sell out,? he said. ‘We see this sale as a cultural exchange ? we’re exchanging our culture for their money. Heck, we’ve talked about changing Oxford’s name to Little Beijing if someone offers us enough cash.?
The investment group, Wee Oen Yoo, assumed control of the newspaper at 9 a.m. on Wednesday, April 1.
Soon Fatt and Poo Ping, spokespersons for the investors, announced the 117-year-old newspaper will undergo some radical changes.
The first change will be the masthead.
The paper’s new name will be The Glorious Leader (see above).
‘Catchy, huh?? said Fatt. ‘We wanted a name that would exude authority and let Oxford residents know who’s really in charge now.?
Readers will notice significant and immediate changes to the paper’s content.
‘Letters to the editor will no longer be accepted, published or tolerated,? Ping explained. ‘The Church Directory will be eliminated and reporters will no longer be permitted to write stories concerning any unsanctioned superstitious activity.?
‘Stories regarding local governments must be read and edited by officials before they’re printed,? Fatt said. ‘The number of photos depicting children will be cut in half, so the paper does not become overpopulated with pictures. Pictures of boys will be given special preference.?
Subscribing to the paper will no longer be a choice. Everyone who is currently a subscriber must remain so for the rest of their lives. Subscription fees will automatically be debited from their bank accounts annually.
‘Subscribers will also be required to demonstrate their loyalty to the Leader by reporting the names of any family members, friends or neighbors who do not take the paper, so that we may send representatives to their homes to persuade them to sign up,? Fatt said. ‘We know you Americans have to work all day to pay massive debts from living well beyond your meager means, so out of courtesy, our representatives will only visit your homes in the middle of the night.?
The Leader will now be published monthly, instead of weekly, as each and every issue must be reviewed and approved by various ministries in Beijing before it goes to press.
‘This is for people’s own good,? Ping explained. ‘We don’t want the public to read anything that may upset them or disturb the order of things. We believe the purpose of the media is make people feel good, encourage complacency and compliance, and maintain the status quo.?
The newspaper office, located at 666 S. Lapeer Rd., will close its doors next week, the building will be sold and all employees will be ‘terminated,? according to Fatt.
‘All of the Leader’s operations are moving to mainland China where labor is cheap, plentiful and most importantly, expendable,? he said. ‘Why pay Americans to work when we have plenty of children and prisoners to do it.?
When asked to clarify what he meant when he said the employees will be ‘terminated,? Fatt stared coldly at this reporter and replied, ‘No comment.?
‘This interview is over,? Ping said. ‘Remove him. And remove Fatt, too. He’s said too much.?
Further investigation revealed this entire story is an April Fools? Day joke. Smile.